some songs // some memories

Leaving on a jet plane might be one of the song many people can relate when they are saying their bye bye in a an airport.  Same goes for me as well.  I was listening Leaving on a jet plane all the time. before my first flight to Finland that even these days when I hear the song,  it brings the nostalgia back.  A 20 year old fella who had never left home,  coming to this far far away land and trying to make it.

Right after coming to Finland,  I felt the homesickness. The feeling that it was easy back home probably until you get comfortable with the far far away land. I was in Kokkola,  thr west coast town of Finland.  I still remember the morning fog and woking up with the feeling if I am in my bed back home or I am somewhere else.  Sometime in dreams I would find myself at home.  Nepal felt so so far then.  In fact it is just 13 hours far away. I didn’t find that courage to book a flight and just go until 5 years.  Yes,  for 5 years I stayed here in Finland without visiting Nepal and my relatives back home.  During early days I used to listen this songs by John Denver named Country Roads take me Home. The nostalgia for seeing those mountains and being in Nepal ran deep down. Sometimes it felt like what am I even doing here. My goals seemed too far.

My first summer in Finland in 2011 feels like yesterday. We were in Helsinki for the first time and Helsinki felt like a big big place.

taking absentee from news

I have been a news freak.  I love listening news and browsing news websites.  It’s fun. Since few weeks the news have made me sad. From the terrorist attack in Iraq, Turkey Airport attack and so on. The stress that these news produces and the fear that they plant is irreversible. It gives you the feeling if a terrorist is in the same train that I am taking. It’s sad but these feeling comes to my mind when I take the train. What kind of world we are living in? We are getting better and we are advancing in science and technology which is the single most beautiful thing. Yet there are people in the world who doesn’t see solution  in peace. They have to murder, kill more people , an eye for eye. Soon we are all going to be blind.

The sad thing is that these news are at your fingertip. I think about families that lost their loved ones in the war in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and civil war in Nepal. Those who have lost it all. They want revenge and vengeance and more wars. And more news to stress us all.

They say that world crime has gone down significantly and world is a better place than it has ever been. I hope this is correct or at least I have to believe so.

I will not visit any news site for a month. I will try to close my eyes. It’s not the right solution but I am just a drop in the ocean and I can not direct the wave of the ocean to a right direction. Or can I?

people on morning commute 

Isn’t this world beautiful? All these beautiful people taking train in the morning and starting their day.  And the most beautiful thing is they all have a story like mine.  Some are arrogant who likes to take seat as if it was their home sofa,  you know with style. Some are  no sitting next to a foreigner. Office workers in their fine clothes and me sometime wearing socks in two different colors and asking myself does it really matter if I wear two different color of socks?  I always see few familiar faces everyday.  I know where they get down or what do they wear usually . I notice how their face shine like a morning star when Friday is finally approaching.  I know what color they like. And this angry man who always skip the seats if there is a foreigner.  Could this be a coincidence? No stranger has ever talked to me in a train except when they are drunk. And it’s expected. I would immediately retaliate a stranger breaks this unspoken rule of Helsinki Commute. The commute without headphone is the longest one. Trust me.

E train that I take everyday, 4 times.

E train that I take everyday, 4 times.

When it comes to public transport, suddenly my hyper consciousness comes into play.  Do not look at the human sitting face to face with you.  No staring at beautiful butts.  Check that your headphones aren’t loud.  Absolutely no phone calls unless absolutely necessary.  And despite all these there is one in every train car who likes to play video or music in loud speaker. One who likes to pick nose and look at their booger. One who is so desperate to smoke that the cigarette is already in his mouth, waiting for the train to stop and be energized  with the nicotine fuel. And those alcoholic who has seen it all. Early at 0800, starting their day with booz.

Oh what a beautiful summer morning — let me take a sip. Ahhaa much beautiful now.

And there are those who speak putting their phones in loudspeaker. Or skyping. They make sure that I appear in the skype video call. Would’d you not?

Those whose station is approaching but suddenly they have lost their voices and I ,apparently ,should be the omnipresence , mind reading super natural being  who has to read and understand that their stop is approaching and step aside for them.

Yet the silence in Helsinki Train Commute is like in the graveyard. Nobody speaks a word unless absolutely necessary. Beautiful O beautiful.

a free mind // clearing it up

As we grow up we realize that the world is not fair. Its also not easy if one easily gives up. Hanging in there is the only thing that keeps you moving.  Giving up prejudices is hard. In my opinion we are all brain washed to think that certain group of people are bad or they don’t worth the respect they deserve. For example,   we are constantly bombarded with the news how Islam is such a troublesome religion. This has made us blind.  This have created a sense of fear.  We can’t see our fellow human with a secure eye. Our mind are closed and we see things with closed eyes.  We don’t want to investigate but we want to react.  We want to avoid.  We want to find someone to blame. I was reading news in CNN after Florida nightclub shooting and CNN was giving so much emphasis on the religion of the perpetrator as if his being Muslim is the sole cause for the shooting. Lately I have realized how important it is to see a fellow human with an open mind. This fear that have been planted systematically has created a vacuum. Its sad that we live in a world full of chaos, resentment and anger. But one must think about world is a better place than it has ever been. We have news reach at our finger tip and it’s easy to panic over every world event but it certainly is better than before. Personally looking at myself , I have got this transformation where I like to see things from the side those who don’t agree with me. I have always been a person who takes things in himself. Its difficult at times when the other party is really aggressive but I believe finding solution in talks.

my wife // beautiful soul handcrafted by God

I was blessed with a very beautiful soul and a very supportive person last year as my wife.  And right now in  a tram full of people and just thinking about her.  Its just so beautiful how she supports me and believes in me.  Its just beautiful to think about her. She has been supportive and selfless in her deeds.

Orlando shooting // a tragedy

Only one question that comes to my mind is why? Why do people have to kill other people whose worldview is different than their. When I read the news Sunday morning about Orlando shooting and heard the horrifying details of the shooting in BBC Podcast, I felt really sad for those who lost their loved ones in that massacre. It was a Saturday night partying and as someone who works in two places with very tight hours. Weekend is the best retreat , I can imagine so many of the victims just waiting for that day to come when they would have relief from work and fun. I don’t want to point my fingers to religions because it is such an easy target. Its so much easier to say Look a Muslim did it.

These kind of murderous activities are just horrible and why can’t people just be in peace. Why do we have to raise guns to prove our point. Taking lives doesn’t justify any religion, it does not justify any reason. Its sad and very very sad when people who has nothing to do with religion or whatever are killed to spread a violent message. My deepest condolences to all those who lost their loved ones.

Stuff // having more is too less

Lately I have developed habit not to buy stuff I do not need. Its always tempting to buy new clothes and it kind of brings this happiness. Or buy a new phone because a new model has arrived and the one that yiu are using is already outdated. But as long as it works. The phone should be used to its fullest life. Until the phone is so old that it can not be used anymore. Its not about catching the trend its about how much waste of resources the mobile phones are.

Nepal //heartbreaker

Right after stepping foot at Tribhuwan Internationl Airport in Kathmandu, you get the sense that something can always go wrong. Your luggage might take hours to arrive or the custom officer is so cunning that he/she will do their very best to give you the impression that you are not welcome. Forget the sign, Welcome to the Nepal, you are not. The only international airport in Nepal doesn’t have a good toilet. Anyone can feel disgusted with the the foul smell. The worker who was supposed to put the luggage in the belt was so busy using his cell phone that he made all the passenger wait to get their luggage. The first impression of Nepal for anyone visiting it for the first time will always be very sad and exhausting. As a Nepalese who have lived abroad and traveled, every time I land and fly out of Tribhuwan International Airport I feel sad and think of what could be improved and only thing I can do it imagine.

There will be a long list of complains. And that’s what Nepalese are best at, make a list of complain. At first I was a complain machine. I just complained to myself. Why ? People opening a wrapper of chocolate and throwing it right there. I asked myself why would someone open a wrapper of chocolate and throw it on the ground. This is just an example. There are several factors to why? But the main thing we should ask is why and probably that will lead to a day when people will actually start thinking that the waste they throw will come back to them in one or other way.

Those were all the complains I had. Just the glance. But in reality Nepal is much more than just a big bag of complains. It has a lot to offer and a lot could be done to make this country a better place to live. I have no hope for a drastic revolution. At first when the Maoist came to power, Nepalese thought things will be done differently. Then came the constitutional assembly and the earthquake. Nothing opened our eyes. We have a joker prime minister at office and he is best as a comedian who hasn’t even completed School Leaving Certificate. The whole political system is a joke.

Besides all this Nepal is a beautiful country with a huge potential. What we lack is a good leadership and a better bureaucracy. Nepal has the most corrupt bureaucracy in the whole world. 80% of Nepal’s population is Hindu and these people worship everyday to for a better life in Heaven but sadly when on earth these people engage in corruption. If there would be 100 rupees allocated to make road in Nepal then only 10 rupees will be utilized to actually make the road and the rest of the money goes into someone’s pocket.

Nepal is a sad story. A failure. And its a manpower machine. Nepal sells its manpower to countries like Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Dubai, Malaysia , Europe and USA. Nepal is a sad story for the money that people make in those country is not used for opening new industries or to create more jobs in Nepal. The money is spent to buy lands. The price of land is skyrocketed. And those hard working Nepalese are putting money on land. This time when I was in Nepal, I felt very very sad for my country yet I somehow felt that tremendous love for the land I belong to. I felt sad because we are divided.

Nepal is a very diverse country full of languages and many ethic group living in harmony.

With the new so called political revolution agitated by the Maiost. Its been disturbed. And we are not the same people anymore.

These five years abroad has shaped me in a way. No matter what , Nepal is my root. And despite all the imperfections , I feel like its calling me back. I have seen it all. What makes a man happy? Nothing. This endless search for perfection. This love for more material , more perfection and more. This endless search. And somehow it has occurred to me that knowledge is what is beautiful. It doesn’t matter where I live. If I do a job and engage at work. I will not die because of hunger or it shouldn’t be difficult to live a decent life anywhere. So this realization occurred has made me more happy. Despite all the hindrances and all the not workings and being with all the wrong people. I have somehow developed this cheer for life.

You might wonder what does it have to do with Nepal? It has to do everything with Nepal. Nepal , despite all the not working , it has silently invited me to just get back and work.

It has to do with Nepal because it doesn’t really matter where you live. What matters is where you find your happiness. And everyday I have been dreaming of starting in Nepal.