Being happy with life

On February 15, I got the news that my father had a heart attack in Nepal on the night of February 14. My family lives 200 KM far from Kathmandu, the capital of Nepal, and he had to be airlifted because there was no medical facilities that were available to make his situation stable. After 10 hours of struggle, my father was at the hands of medical experts and medical facilities that would make his condition stable.  I could not sleep that night.  I cried like a toddler all night long and that was the moment I thought how important person is my father to me and to the family.  It was a moment to recollect everything.  I had all the time in the universe but I didn’t go back to Nepal for 5 years and.  I missed all those family get together,  the beauty of spending time with my father and mother.  I realized what journey my father had taken to make our life better. This sudden news changed everything.  It changed thr way I see life and my goals.  It didn’t make me pessimistic but content.  Later that week we knew that my father had aneurysm and due to his medical conditions they were like ticking bomb that could brust any moment. Again they didn’t had aneurysm coiling in Nepal and he was treated at BLK Hospital in India. My brother was there to take care of everything and I was thousands miles away in blues.  Waiting for the best news but preparing myself for the worst.  Its been almost two months now,  that my father has been discharged and he will never be same again but we are glad he is alive.  This period when my father was in hospital,  almost a month,  was a period of great transformation in my life.  I had talked with him probably few hours before he had the heart attack over Viber.  I read a lot of about true meaning of life and why are we here.  Not from religious prospective but from evolution’s point of view.  I am an atheist and I didn’t remember Lord Almighty or prayed him for soon recovery of my father.  I just consoled myself thinking this is how nature is,  its wild.  If my father was to take his last breath he had done it all,  all his four children are big.  I am the last child and I was married an year ago.  For many days,   I couldn’t sleep.  I cried alone.  I tried to call my friends,  talk with my wife and relatives.  I keep myself busy. Thinking every one has to face death of their loved ones,  it will be hard but its unavoidable. Its the ultimate truth. It was also a time that I knew who sincerely cared for me. It was a revealing time. I got to know my friends and relatives who will be there for me no matter what an willing to do all they can in their ability. I felt really happy to have these special people with whom I could cry. Two of my high school friends who became close to me are now my brother figures. They did their best from their side. When everything was over I was able to take a long breath and let everything out.

I was so much stressed that I couldn’t take full breath.

But I learnt to be happy. I learnt to make the best of everyday. To love the ones who are there for us and to make things happen when there is time. On May 03 2016 , I have a flight to Kathmandu. I am going to see my family and I will spend time with my father. And I will try my best to give as much time as possible when he is around.

In lonliness

I try hard and hard enough not to feel it. But “this loneliness” does not seem to go away. I have arranged meeting with friends tried to call them and its alright. I find the serenity but then I am extremely feeling lonely the other time. I don’t want to tell anybody about it but deep inside my heart I want that somebody to be with me and understand me. This feeling is hard. Its tough. I can’t help. I have been skyping with my brother, with friends in viber and whatsapp but nothing is helping.

shocked and surprised // face to face with the devil

After finishing my work at Stockmann on Sunday evening I was in Helsinki Center waiting for bus to take me home. I got out from work so happy that I just can . It was cold and I was eating french fries with that I had bought from McDonald’s.   A man , probably  in his mid fifties, came near to me and asked where we came from in Finnish. Once learning that I don’t speak Finnish so well; he started to ask where I come from and what I do here and so on in English. He spoke good English to my surprise. He started with the thing that I was taking Finnish people’s money and then with me coming from poor country and all the things he could say. I was holding my phone in hand and he said; that Finnish people are paying for the phone I was using.  Oh my God ! Its sad to learn that a mass of people is so unhappy with your presence. Its sad to learn. Tomorrow my vacation is starting ; I don’t feel like making food and watching a nice movie. It just makes me sad and very sad. During my three years stay in Finland ; it had never happened though I had noticed some practices. Now I realize how unfortunate it is to exist as a pupil from a poor nation in one of these developed ones. Are we buying happiness or are we loosing dignity? Now it gets only scary to seat next to people in train or bus; it just makes me suspicious . I must make a move. Oh God ! Find me a way ; I can move away.

not rush //in Finnish capital for 3 years

I wonder with the rush and the way time is slipping. It feels like yesterday that I was in Vantaa Lentokoneasema for the first time in my life to start my new beginnings in Finland but its already 3 years. Now, the city seems so familiar as if I have known it for years. The language sounds familiar though I do not understand it so much. The easiness in moving from place to place and availability of  means of transportation at an affordable cost round the clock makes this city even better to live. Yet another thing I love about Helsinki is population density. After living in Helsinki for 2 years I had been to few other cities in Europe like Amsterdam , Paris and Brussels but one thing I didn’t like about them is the crowd. The trains and bus – All Full with people. In Helsinki a bus is full if everyone has got a sit and there is no one sitting next to them. There are days when I am the only passenger in the bus when I get back from Helsinki to my apartment in Espoo. Being born and raised in a very small village in Nepal, I am not a big fan of crowd. The first time I had landed in Kathmandu- the nepalese capital, I was almost lost with the “crazy-city” and unmanaged urbanization that had led to chaos and I was clearly able to see how the natural resources like rivers and mountain were literally raped by the new resource hungry breed of urban dwellers.  Before I was in Helsinki I had this image of a rush and crowded city- like most capital cities. But Helsinki made me happy in the very first place. Well, Finland’s population density is so low that people who lives in remote areas of the country finds Helsinki too crowded and lacking nature. I laugh inside — go to Kathmandu to see what crowd means. Well, it all depends upon how we are raised and what is the definition of crowd and rush. For me, I grew up in a tiny village with a population of less than 1000 and knowing almost all the people who resided there and closely tied with nature for most of our needs. Well , the rapid urbanization after the civil war is over has made the village almost empty but I consider my first 13 years of my life ; I lived in pure bliss and happiness. Attached below is a -not so good quality- picture of the place.

Bishauna Village

Bishauna VDC

The fall and fall of Nokia // fall and fall

A black day or a rebirth of a phoenix. We will see how Microsoft will treat its new subsidiary. This news would have just been another news just in case if i was in Nepal but I can hear things. I can see the faces and talks. I rushed to school to take Web Programming class and the first thing the teacher said was – ” Do you know the big news ?” I had this wild guess in mind about Nokia. I had not been able to read news this morning because it was bit rush for me to spend time reading news during bathroom time which I usually do.

Well, I rushed to open my iPad to learn the Big News. It was as big as Tsunami. Well, as a technology student ; I felt sad for Nokia and what can happen when one fails to update. During their time; they tried their best but smartphone market bloomed so fast. Well, I am not an analyst nor a researcher who has spent long time in this field but I knew one thing that is those in paramount will fall someday like Nokia. Its a big challenge to be the winner but its a bigger challenge to be there for a long time.

We all have our time. May be Nokia had its own. All we can hope is its rebirth that can challenge. It is kinda sad because Skype was bought by Microsoft for 7 Billion dollar and almost so is the price of Nokia. I don’t totally understand these things. A company’s whole device and service unit with a glorious history and once a market leader in Telecommunication device manufacturing has same price as Skype which is basically a VOIP service. But to conclude;

Nothing lasts forever.

I was watching this live webcast of the moment when Nokia’s device and service part was handed to Microsoft. Risto who is the interim CEO of Nokia Inc. He looks bit not happy. The following webcast is worth watching.


expectations // limitations

What is the limit ? To what extent can we expect from people ? Our people, from those whom we call ours. Family , friends, relatives and so on. They have a very good concept in Hinduism. Or least I think so. Do your Karma without expectations. It was on a sunny day in August I was sitting in the smoking zone(of course, not smoking), which is really peaceful area in the  University and some other Nepalese folks joined me. A guy who is at least 6/7 years older than me was talking about what he expected from his people when they visited Nepal and came back. He was complaining or may be complain is not the right word about his people not bringing gift for him. Deep inside my mind , I was thinking my family friend or lets say my really good friend , whom I trust my money, is in Nepal and what can I expect from him. I have been heavily criticized on this topic about expecting. What can you expect from people for what you have done to them. Expectations are so shitty things that they hurt. I used to be a guy who used to expect many things from many people but  its kinda lame. It just made me unhappy. Sometime if my friends come with a surprise then its more than enough. The other thing that I learnt over the course of time is you can have uncountable “Hi-Hello ” friend but do not spend a single second for them because they don’t give a fuck what you think or what you like or anything and you can’t expect anything from them. So, one should not get hurt if one of their “hi-hello” friend did not invite in a party or graduation party or anything . And to add to the list  its worse spending hours chatting with someone you will never meet. Call me a rude guy but why would anyone want to spend hours chatting with someone living in Brasil’s rainforest if you are never going to meet each other. For God sake don’t give me lame reasons like cultural exchange – There are blogs, forums, ebooks, books and so many uncountable resources to know about culture.What can you even expect from them? Can they feel you ? I have the same feeling for those who fall in love online ? What if you meet tomorrow and his breath smells so bad you can’t stand.

It was a topic on limitation of expectation. I would say never expect. It only hurts. Just doing your part or fulfilling other’s expectation but not expecting from others is the best thing to do.

easy as it would be to do// to say

Sheer turnings that can make you cry, leave you abandoned and might even haunt for rest of your life. The thoughts that leave all the moments of bliss frozen. At night you lie down all alone and start to think. Days pass so easily .What makes you “you” and what drives you to wake up tomorrow morning to prepare for the new beginings ? What keeps it running? Is it the social enigma which we never understood. What does it matter what others say about – the other being a stranger who could be heading to a bar after a stressful day or another extra-social conscious being try hard to be part of this society. Are we society or are we individual ? Why do we like to act different in different phase ? Just to please the crowd that we never knew, will never know . It’s easy to say and hard to implement. Sometime I wish it so bad and so hard that all the bad memories would fade away like a dream. Who should I call mine and what is the limit ? Will they ever understand me to the fullest and enjoy the company. Will they ever be able to break this enigma that is haunting ? Well, with the arrival of new breeds in the brain  – the hormones –  with age, needs changes. The meaning of happiness changes and we tend to find serenity in a number of  different thing. Come ! break the enigma !!  Whosoever you are.

I am back !

Dormant for almost a year. The venture for finding that someone with whom you can totally be yourself.

I am back !

To write whatever things I want to. I know that nobody cares and nobody gives a shit about anything. Everybody just want to live it their way. Some try hard to show that the door is open while others are straightforward to tell the world to get back and mind their own fucking businesses.

So I have deleted all other blogs of mine. I used to write almost 4 blogs at the same time. And Helsinki Diary had been going too amazingly but then I stopped writing because I lost it in the way. Well, we get lost sometime. Detour is something that happens to everyone I guess.

Sunset at Seurasaari, Helsinki

Sunset at Seurasaari